twilight

“Eclipse” Eclipse Cross-Promotion

This has got to be the worst most-obvious cross-promotion ever. I’ve never not enjoyed my gum so much in my life.

Advertisements

Edward Cullen’s HiPro Glow

When  I saw Twilight for the first time, I jokingly referred to Edward the vampire’s amazing ability to sparkle in the sun as his HiPro Glow.

No one got it.

I understand that if you have to explain your joke, maybe it’s not a very good joke, but bear with me. I think once you get the reference you’ll be pretty impressed.

Back in the 80s there was a commercial for a Purina-brand dog food called HiPro. It featured a dog running in the woods and the announcer promised if you fed your dog HiPro, its coat would shine with a “HiPro Glow.” The dog then began to glow as it ran through the woods.

Thirty years later Edward Cullen reveals himself to Bella not only to be a vampire, but also discloses the little-known fact that when vampires stand in the bright sunlight, especially after running in the woods, they too have a glow that looks oddly familiar.

But that’s not all. Vampires don’t just glow. As you can see from this close-up still shot from the film of Edward’s frail pale chest, they sparkle in the sunlight.

But hey, what’s the big deal. In another shot from the 1985 dog food commercial, Purina reveals to us this is not because Edward is a vampire. It’s because he has apparently been eating HiPro dog food.

Poor Purina doesn’t get any credit for being the first one to come up with the idea of a wild animal running through the woods and sparkling in the sun. And to add insult to injury, their 1985 sparkling special effects actually look better than the multi-million dollar movie from the next millennium.

So there you have it. And now when Edward and his sparkly head next appears in a theater near you, you can also appreciate the beauty of what is actually the HiPro glow.


Year in Review (2009)

2009 – YEAR IN REVIEW

It’s time again for my look back at the goings-on of the past year. Feel free to read, skim for your name, or just find the bold links and click on them in the hopes you’ll find a video featuring  a midget dressed up as Michael Jackson and dancing in the NYC subway system…you might just find what you’re looking for.
JANUARY
  • January 4 – I auditioned for The Foreigner at the Fulton Opera House. I didn’t get it or anything, but call me weird, I like auditioning. It’s just another excuse for me to get strangers to laugh. On purpose.
  • January 11 – My pal John Allen was in town for a conference. I know John from my days working at Gotee Records in Nashville when I was in the Radio Promotions department and he was in Sales. Sarah and I met up with John in Hershey, PA. It was really nice to re-connect and introduce him to my better/crazier half.
  • January 17 – I went hiking with my friend John Blowers in the Pennsylvania mountains. Somewhere. I actually don’t have any idea where we were, only about a half hour or so from Lancaster, so if he wanted to kill me and hide my body he very well could have. But he didn’t. I guess that means John’s my friend. :)
FEBRUARY
  • February 3 – Sarah and I watched the touring production of Avenue Q at the Hershey Theater. There’s nothing quite as fun as introducing your wife to the world of foul-mouthed puppets. And Gary Coleman.
  • February 22
  • February 27
MARCH

  • March 17-24
APRIL
  • April 19 – My pal Mitch McVicker came to town and performed a concert at our church. Even better than watching him perform again was getting to catch up with a good friend.
  • April 24 – Sarah and I went to a Capital Lights concert with our travel buddies Alyssa and Ashlea. Weeks later, the band announced they are breaking up. Coincidence?
MAY
  • May 15 – Sarah and I traveled to New York City for the weekend. I rejoined my friends at the National Comedy Theater and jumped in the Friday night shows for a great night of improv. I am happy to report that JT, Chris, Paul, Dan, Cohen, Kevin, and Jason have not lost the funny.
  • May 16 – Sarah and I hit some NYC tourist spots and that night we were in the live studio audience for the season finale of Saturday Night Live. It was everything we dreamed and more.
JUNE
  • June 23 – I broke a molar eating an ice cream sandwich.
JULY
  • July 8 – After two weeks of temporary crowns, my molar was finally completely repaired.
  • July 17 – Sarah and I attended a barbecue at Dustin and Janelle’s house. It was a great evening of friends and hangin’ out, capped off by an amazing Roman candle fight between Jeremy and Dustin.
  • July 24-26 – Sarah and I returned to New York City and this time we brought our friends Ryan, Alyssa, and Ashlea with us. I performed at the National Comedy Theatre Friday and Saturday night and the rest of the time was spent giving them a whirlwind tour of the city.
AUGUST
  • August 8 – Sarah and I went to Nissley Vineyard (the place I proposed to her two years earlier) with friends to enjoy a nice evening in the countryside.
  • August 28 – Posted my 200th doodle.
SEPTEMBER
  • September 12 – Sarah and I saw Bill Cosby perform live at the American Music Theatre. Despite the fact that he looks older, he’s still the same old Cos.
  • September 18 – I had a voiceover audition at Max Films. Nothing has come of it (at least not yet) but again, it was something fun to do on a weekday afternoon.
OCTOBER
  • October 1 – I hung my doodles at a local coffee shop, Square One, as part of their monthly rotation of local artists. The theme for the month was Halloween, so I displayed my collection of doodles of movie villains
  • October 3 – Sarah and I went to the New Holland Fair and were shocked to find they imported everyone who attends the county fair back home in Indiana to attend this one, too. Either that, or everyone who goes to fairs looks the same.
  • October 7 – After months of hunting, Sarah and I picked up our new car, a Ford Focus from Keller Brothers. If you’re in the area, we highly recommend them!
  • October 26 – Married to Sarah for two years and she’s still my bestest friend.
  • October 31 – At our Murder Mystery Party, everyone got dressed up in fancy clothes and we pretended we’re a lot more civilized than we actually are.

DECEMBER
  • December 4 – We attended a surprise birthday party for our friend Alyssa. It was a successful covert surprise operation.
  • December 5 – My dear friend Nik (another Gotee Records survivor) is in town and Sarah and I get together with her for coffee. I probably sound like a broken record, but it’s so nice to re-unite with old friends and catch up!
  • December 12 – My pal John had a poker night (guys’ night out). We tried to keep it as manly as possible, considering the snacks consisted of deli meats, apple cider, and hummus.
  • December 24
  • December 26 – For the second year in a row, Sarah’s sister and her family (The Tatmans) visited us for a week . We played games, watched movies, and hung around the house. Basically everything you WISH you did on vacation.

There’s one highlight I didn’t post because it happens every week: Sarah and I have some good friends over on Tuesday nights to watch Lost. Our usual gang of misfits includes some of our closest friends in Pennsylvania (Alyssa, Ashlea, Dustin, Janelle, Monica, Tammy, and Tyler). Sure, we’re all fans of the show and enjoy the twists and turns, but most of all we love having an excuse to get together with good friends. In a time of virtual social networking, nothing compares with actually hanging out with others.

Thanks, everyone, for a great 2009. Preparing to enter 2010 is weird. 2010. It looks really super futuristic. If I don’t have a flying car by 2015, I’m going to be mad.

Top 10 Movies of 2008 Pt. I

It’s that time of year to reflect on what Hollywood had to offer us in the past 12 months and give a little bit of feedback. Who am I to say what was good and what wasn’t? What qualifications do I have? Well, none, actually. I’m just some guy in Pennsylvania with a blog.

But that hasn’t stopped me yet. Nor has it stopped me from asking my esteemed panel of friends to give their feedback as well. This year, though, instead of including everyone’s top ten in one long blog, I will be breaking them up into easier-to-digest episodes. This year I’ve asked a number of different people from across the nation and in a variety of industries to rank their tops (and their flops).

Feel free to leave your comments and let us know where we went right…or wrong.

I suppose I’ll get this party started.

ED’S TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2008

10. Get Smart
I know, I know. I didn’t expect it to make my top 10, either. But when I looked back on the year I realized there weren’t a ton of movies that jumped out at me. And as I began listing the movies that I responded to, it was a surprisingly short list. Granted, I tend to lean toward comedies more than any other genre (as you’ll see), and if you get me to laugh out loud then I’m hooked. The #10 slot was a toss-up between Get Smart and Indiana Jones IV but at the end of the day, this one had less weird aliens and monkeys on vines.

9. Tropic Thunder
Seriously, how did these guys get away with everything they did? My buddy and co-reviewer John Allen disagrees with me on this one (see the next entry in this series) but I guess you’ll have that. I thought this movie was a brilliant snipe at the Hollywood Machine and those involved. Ben Stiller always manages to capture the essence of naive know-it-all-ness and the rest of the cast brought their A-game. I thought Tom Cruise’s performance was hyped up a little too much. I’m not quite sure why everyone thought it was the Second Coming of the Scientology God. So he put on a wig and jumped around like an idiot. Big deal, good for Tom. He did the same thing on Oprah.

8. The Dark Knight
What can I say about this you don’t already know and/or hasn’t already been said? Not much probably. Heath Ledger rocked. Christian Bale’s raspy voice was hilarious. Two-Face came and went really quickly.

7. Vantage Point
I didn’t hear much about this film after it came out but I thought it was pretty darn nifty. I loved how they centered around one event and, as they showed each person’s point-of-view, it revealed a different piece of a much larger puzzle. When I added it to my Top 10 Chase Scenes of all time and hailed the return of Dennis Quaid, it garnered a profane response from a genius named Chris who informed me Dennis Quaid wasn’t in Vantage Point. Even though he was the star. So that was funny.

6. Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Seriously. How do I get in with Judd Apatow? Someone give me an email or a phone number or something. He’s got one of the tightest, funniest circle of go-to friends working today and they never fail to disappoint. So hook me up, OK?

5. WALL-E
Wow. This movie is just beautiful to watch. Those guys are artists in every sense of the word.

4. Ghost Town
Maybe I’m prejudiced because I’m a huge fan of Ricky Gervais, but this movie should have done much better than it did. It may have come across as just another dead-guy-needs-help romantic comedy, but this movie proved that romantic comedies are allowed to be more comedy than romantic. Put this one in your Netflix queue and shame on you for not seeing it the first time around.

3. Kung Fu Panda
And this is how you make an animated film about a bear doing martial arts. Of course it helps that you’ve got the likes of Jack Black and David Cross making smarmy remarks the whole time, not to mention a team of animators that accentuates the action with cool slo-mo shots. Nicely done indeed.

2. Step Brothers
Part of me feels a little guilty and juvenile for putting this movie at #2, but I’m sorry. I laughed like an idiot the entire time. Director Adam McKay said his favorite part of working with Will Ferrell and John C Reilly on Talladega Nights were the moments where they just talked (i.e. the dinner table scene) and he wanted to make a movie that was just that: No car racing, just Will and John acting like morons, riffing and improvising at their hilarious best. The result is Step Brothers, and mission accomplished.

1. Cloverfield
Because this one came out at the beginning of the year, I almost forgot it came out in ’08. But good night, this is how you make a thrill ride of a movie. If you saw it, you probably know what I’m talking about. I love movies that bring me in, shake me up, and don’t let go. I’m still shaking from the subway scene.

Regretfully, 2008 also came with its share of stinkers. Like these 5 WORST FILMS OF 2008

Fool’s Gold
Will someone please dig a hole that Matthew McConaughey can fall into?

Meet Dave
Sorry, Eddie. You’re done being funny. Step aside.

Journey to the Center of the Earth
Yikes. Just….yikes.

Twilight
I don’t care what you and your co-7th graders think. This was a train wreck. And now bring on the hate mail.

Mamma Mia!
If you enjoy seeing good actors acting badly, then this is for you. And if you enjoy seeing good actors singing even worse, then this is definitely for you.

A Scathing Review

Earlier this month I wrote a blog half-heartedly reviewing the Twilight book series. It wasn’t a review more than it was a series of sarcastic comments, but we all had fun and got a laugh or two. That is, until Rebecca from Milton in Queensland Australia gave it a read and decided to teach me a thing or two and leave a comment putting me in my place.

My first knee-jerk reaction was to simply delete the angry comments and move on, but, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I decided to embrace this opportunity to make yet another series of sarcastic comments. I then wondered if the comments weren’t actually written by one of my friends posing as “Rebecca” but the passion behind the comments was so real, the spellcheck so unused, and…the… grammarcheck also so unused, I knew it had to be real.

Yes. I couldn’t just delete the comments. I had to give them their own blog. But beware, Blog Reader. Rebecca (who can apparently be reached at hallo_bob@hotmail.com) uses some pretty harsh language to put me in my place. I guess that’s what I get for taking these books about vampires and werewolves so lightly.

I am including her comments as she wrote them. I am also including sarcastic retorts.

Comment:
ahh wtf,

(Ed here. You know you’re in trouble when they start off with such harsh letters)

this is gay the books are great, and i love em,
your ust some lame person that is jelouse that you are not bella. hahhhhaha your so lame!!
(yes, Rebecca, you’re right. You busted me. I stay up all night being jelouse…I mean jealous of a fictional character. And a female one at that. I guess no one would have ever found out if it hadn’t been for you meddling pre-teens! And you’re right. I’m so lame. I’ll be the first person to admit I’m lame. It sucks understanding basic contractions)

pretty sure i woudl abuse you if i could be botherd (and i’m pretty sure you could spell “would” and “bothered” correctly but you have to get back to your Katy Perry music, right?) but to end it you are a fuck tard and a waste of time, so go suck yo mummas penis :) (Wow Rebecca, it must be hard spendin’ all your life livin’ in a gangsta’s paradise. Of course, my favorite thing about this last “sentence” is the fact that it’s like insult, insult, insult, smiley face. Why the smiley face? )

ya bout say it dick (This one is just as confusing. I’m going to assume it’s an Australian phrase and I admit I’m definitely going to need help translating this one.)

One thing I probably should have warned Rebecca about before she commented: The comments don’t just magically appear, I actually get an email letting me know there are new comments to approve. After submitting her comment, Rebecca got a message on the screen saying something to the effect that the comments are pending approval by Yours Truly. I can only assume this is what enraged her even more, causing her to comment again exactly one minute later:

ah what the hell, you are so lame you like the book but you make fun of it, wow your real cool,

Wait, that’s it? Rebecca, don’t leave me hanging! You ended your sentence with a comma, making me think there’s more on the way but nothing! I don’t know what I,

Twilight: A Spoiler-Filled Review

I meant what I said in the subject line. This blog includes spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

I’ll be honest: I never heard of the Twilight book series by Stephenie Meyer until I started seeing articles in Entertainment Weekly over the past few weeks touting it as the new rage and Harry Potter’s replacement. I decided to pick up the first book, “Twilight”, and see what all the fuss was about. Despite the fact that it sometimes read like a romance novel written from a 14-year-old girls’ perspective (I’ve never read a romance novel, nor have I read a novel written by a 14-year-old girl, so this is complete conjecture), it was actually an extremely quick read and I flew through it. And then I read through the other 3 books as well and again, they’re all really quick reads. Sarah, who readily admits she hasn’t read a book since “The Mummy” in 6th grade, even got into it and found herself tearing through the books, too.

To save you the time of reading the 1700+ pages, let me re-cap:

Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)

Hi. I’m a girl. I’m angsty. Oh wait. There’s this really hot guy in my new school. He’s sooooooo dreamy. OOoooooooo.

(Repeat for 400 pages)

Oh wow! Turns out he’s a vampire. But oh I still love him even though I know I shouldn’t.

I shouldn’t.

Oh, but I do.

Oh, but I shouldn’t.

Oh, but I do.

(Repeat for 5 more chapters)

Oh no! It’s almost the end of the book! I think I’ll get chased by a bad vampire to give this book something to do and end with action and a thrilling climax!

New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Book 2)

Ohhhhhhh my vampire crush moved away………Life is sooooooooo horrible…….how will I live……..ohhhhhh… woe is me……woe is FREAKIN me………….

(Repeat for 8 chapters)

I think I’ll start hanging out with this OTHER guy who turns out to be a werewolf! He’s so different than that vampire. But ohhhhhhh I love the vampire.

But now I think I love the werewolf.

But my heart is with the vampire.

But I love the werewolf.

But not really because I love the vampire.

But the werewolf is my true love.

Except for the vampire who I miss soooooooo much.

(Repeat for 500 pages)

Oh no! Almost the end of the book! I better bring back the vampire so he and the werewolf can yell at each other for 11 more chapters and then get threatened by a bunch of scary vampires and have nothing actually come of it!!

Eclipse (The Twilight Saga, Book 3)

Oh nooooo. I’m such an angsty girl and now the vampire and the werewolf are both here and ohhhhh I love them both. So I’ll tell the vampire I love him and hang out and kiss him and then hang out with the werewolf but we won’t kiss we’ll only hold hands and of course the vampire is so wussy he won’t even care.

Kiss the vampire.

Hold hands with the werewolf.

Kiss the vampire.

Tell the werewolf I love him.

Kiss the vampire.

Try to figure out why the werewolf doesn’t get that I don’t want to be with him as I tell him I love him and hold his hand some more.

(Repeat for 500 pages)

Oh no!!! A whole bunch of bad vampires!! Let’s fight them all!! The end.

Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4)

Oh, being married to the vampire is soooooo amazing. I think we’ll have crazy crazy vampire-on-human sex! It’s ok, we’re married now. Because if we weren’t, having sex with the undead would just be weird. Ooooooo I sure do like all the love makin’! In fact, I think I’ll make love to him for the first 200 pages!!

Oh no, I’m pregnant!! How did that happen? And with a vampire baby! It scratches my belly and breaks my ribs when it kicks. Ouch!!! Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch!!! Oh the pain!!! The pain!!!!!!!!!!! I know what will make it easier on you, the reader: I’ll be in horrible horrible labor for the next 700 pages.

Oh I have a baby now. I love her! And the werewolf fell in love with her (For real. The werewolf is in love with an infant mutant baby)! What could possibly go wrong??

Oh no!! It’s the end! All the bad vampires from around the world are here to kill me and my baby!!!!!!! Oh no!!!! What should we do!!!!!!!! I know! Instead of having an exciting, dramatic climax, where we all fight and put an end to their evil vampire ways I’ll just be like, “You guys are wrong, my baby is cool.” And they’ll be like, “Oh yea, your baby IS pretty cool. My bad. See ya.”

Yeah. That ending is MUCH better.

I just realized this blog makes it sound like I didn’t like the books. Obviously, since I read them all, that’s not true. I liked them all except the last one. But when you capsulize these tomes in a quick, sarcastic blog, they’re gonna end up sounding pretty ridiculous. And I guess they kind of are.

***UPDATE: Apparently Australians don’t appreciate my book reviews. Read more about that RIGHT HERE.