I admit it. I am hooked on what I call, “Judge TV.” That amazing afternoon block from 2-5pm when my local FOX affiliate airs a solid hour of Judge Alex, followed by an hour of Judge Joe Brown, and capped off with the creme de la creme, an hour of Judge Judy.
Of course, the price I pay is having to sit through three hours of commercials targeted at people whom they assume are out of work (EARN MONEY EASY!), want to sue someone (I’M A BULLDOG LAWYER!), need a better job (HEY….UM…YOU WANNA WORK IN A DENTAL OFFICE FILING PAPERS OR SOMETHIN’?) or need money (WE’LL GIVE YOU A LOAN IF WE CAN HAVE YOUR CAR, PLEASE).
The worst offender is a place called Cash Point Title Loans. They didn’t just make one horrible commercial. They made a bunch of horrible commercials. Here’s one:
Wow…where do I start off?
Just because your nephew has an old karaoke microphone and a drum machine and can talk in all sorts of silly, zany voices, that doesn’t mean you should hire him to write your jingle. This guy makes the band from the Free Credit Report ads sound like…I don’t know, Genesis.
Also, watch it again and pay close attention to the “bill collector” in the upper left-hand corner during the beginning. I don’t know what kind of bill he’s calling about, but he is straight up screaming at the girl on the phone. I like to pretend that she stabbed his baby.
Here’s another one:
Pay close attention to the very beginning. Look how miserable this guy looks while the waitress pours his coffee as he holds a donut. Obviously this is because there is a man off-camera pointing a gun at him and is forcing him to drink 13 cups of coffee and eat 174 donuts. Why else would you be so upset? You’re having coffee and a donut, you ungrateful cornhole!
Then we get to the point in the commercial when the two girls, whom I assume he either doesn’t know or can’t stand since they aren’t sitting with him or helping him, begin to sing the theme song, taunting him and his utter depression. All he can do is look at them and give a small smirk, as he understands it’s never polite to laugh and point at retarded people who sing and wave wads of money in public.
I also enjoy how the singer in this commercial decides to use a British accent. Whatever, dude.
Then they rolled out this one:
Yay!!! Silly singing voices!!!! Who cares that you can’t understand what they’re saying? It sure sounds goofy!!! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, my nephew is hi-LAR-ious!
Wow…they’re not even trying to make a good commercial, are they?
The guy in the wife beater was sad at the beginning of the commercial, but then he forgot he gets to do a close-up of his biceps flexing while he holds a perfectly-fanned wad of cash in the other, and now instead of spotting his buddy who’s bench pressing an impressive 4 pounds, he’s gyrating and bouncing. Also, the actors in this commercial were given a 50-dollar bonus every time they raised their hands.
Lastly, there’s this dingleberry:
Ok, ok, ok, forget the fact the song is now burning the inside of my head like someone is using a rusty drywall screw to give me a root canal. Forget the fact that the guy seemingly is shocked he is holding a beer. Forget the fact that a table of girls comes over to his table, singing the theme song and just being all zombie weird-like.
My question is this: Who’s up for a road trip to the Cash Point Title Loan Promotions Department and punching every last one of them in the ear? I know a quick way to get some money for the trip!