What to Wear…to Church?

I don’t know how you were raised, but as far as I’m concerned if you don’t wear your very best to church, then something in your life is seriously messed up. Who are these people wearing jeans and t-shirts to church? Unacc-freakin-ceptable. This is church, people, not a Gin Blossoms concert. We’re praising God, not trying to score a dime bag, so suit up.

Thankfully, my friend Ashlea received an email spam touting a solution for all of you slackers out there. That’s right. DesignerChurchSuits.com is here to save the day.

WWJD? Well, I think he’d dress – as the ad says – classy and sassy.

I had to do it. I had to go to the website and check it out. And believe me, it’s just as horribly scary as the ad makes it out to be. So many choices and options, I didn’t know where to go first! I was like a kid caught in a candy store, except the candy was incredibly loud and pattern-filled and holier than my regular candy because the colors were so much brighter.

I mean, come on, when you think “church clothes,” who doesn’t think of the Purple Graduate’s Delight?

And seriously, ladies, do you really expect to look sassy singing the latest Paul Baloche song if you’re not dressed like the Mad Hatter?

I’ve heard it said some girls go to church looking to meet nice, single Christian guys. Well, that ain’t gonna happen unless you show up Sunday morning dressed like a retarded Mary Poppins.

And I’m sorry, ladies, but you can’t enter into the holy of holies without sporting what I refer to as the winter fur explosion. A bargain at $450. Shipping is free, so what are you waiting for? You can tithe next month.

And don’t worry, fellas, we haven’t forgotten you! Are you a fan of mustard? Then saints-be-praised you’re gonna love this shirt. It screams “Look at my holiness” without having to say a word. It even comes with a sleek “O” on the tie (as in, “Oh crap, what are you wearing”).

But this site doesn’t just offer horrible, horrible clothes. It also provides customer testimonials! F Rawls from Georgia raves:

Praise Jesus
These suits are fabulous
When I go to church, I turn all the heads.

Praise Jesus, indeed, F Rawls. After years of trying to turn heads at church, I found the secret! Greet visitors? Help in the nursery? Screw you, can’t you see I’m trying to turn heads here?

First Lady Robertson in Mississippi says,

Free shipping is a plus for me, because I order a new suit every week.

Wow, First Lady Robertson! You buy a new suit every week? Good thing the shipping is free, otherwise I’d almost think you were nuts! You definitely know a bargain when you see one.

And then First Lady Gloria Williams from Louisiana brags,

Im the first lady of my church, and I will be telling everybody to order from you.

I don’t know what worries me the most about this one. Is it the fact I don’t know who the first lady is at my church or the fact that this testimonial almost sounds like a threat?

So there you have it. DesignerChurchSuits.com

I don’t want to ever see you in the Lord’s house in jeans again.

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4 comments

  1. you MUST wear a gawdy hat at my church! you know you may go to hell if you don’t. at least that is what it says in MY B I B L E!

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