Of Snoop, Tom Cruise, & “The Price is Right”

You know who’s a real genius is Snoop Dogg. That guy doesn’t do anything and he’s rich. Once in a while he’ll mumble a verse in somebody else’s song or have a cameo in a movie and he’s a star. And let’s be honest. He’s not really a very good rapper. “A zibba zibba doh. A zibba zibba boh. Dizzle.”

This dude made up his own fantasy language and no one ever questioned his sanity for a second! “OK, my people, from now on I’m speaking in my own secret language I made up where everything rhymes with “izzle.'”

Snoop doesn’t want a glass of milk, he wants a “glizzle of mizzle.” Snoop doesn’t eat Frosted Flakes or Honeycomb for breakfast, he eats “Frizzled Flizzles” and “Honeykizzle.” Snoop doesn’t include a self-addressed stamped envelope but a self-adrizzled stizzled envelizzle.

This is how crazy people talk! The only thing “genius” about it is Snoop found a way to be crazy and make it cool. But I guess famous people are allowed to be crazy. We don’t care. Just keep us entertained.

And the king of Mt. Crazy right now is Tom Cruise. The Scientologist. This is a man whose beliefs are based on a bad science fiction book. For real. Not even making that up.

Basically, here’s what Scientologists believe: All humans have aliens in their blood. OK, they aren’t aliens per se but we have part alien pumping through us and Scientology is the process of cleansing ourselves so we can get all the alien parts out and become pure human and reach the uppermost level of existence. And can I please give you a stress test on the subway.

Tom Cruise believes this! The man who got on Brooke Shields’ case for taking aspirin. Ha! Aspirin. That’s crazy! You must be crazy, Brooke Shields! You must be crazy, Brooke Shields, if you think that’s gonna help get the aliens out of your head! Ha! You’re dumb!

Tom Cruise is climbing the cliffs of insanity and all I can do is stand back and watch. He’s just climbing away, yodeling like that little guy on that Price is Right game. Yodel-ee-oh-ee-oh!

How has this show lasted as long as it has? It’s basically adults playing games that would be better suited for a third grader’s birthday party. How in the world did PLINKO get to be so big? “Hey guys, let’s take a huge slab of plywood, pound a bunch of nails into it, and then have people drop coasters on it and see what craziness happens.”

And the audience loves it! Drew says, “We’re going to play PLINKO” and the crowd is just like “RAAAAAAAAA!!!!! OH MY GOD IT’S PLINKOOOO!!!”

Of course, my favorite part of The Price is Right is the Showcase Showdown where you have the lady who could roll big fuzzy dice from the first half of the show up against the lady who made a 2″-putt from the second half of the show.

What???

They actually have a game where you have to guess the price of an item and if you’re wrong they tell you “higher” or “lower.” All you need to play this game is a basic understanding of numbers. And then there’s always this idiot:

“500.”
“Lower.”
“550.”
“Lower.”
“575.”
“Lower!”
“600.”
“LOWER, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!”

OK….back to the Showcase Showdown.

There are two different showcases to choose from. They show the first showcase and Drew asks the first lady if she still wants to bid on it or pass it off to the second lady and the second lady always gets screwed because one of the showcases always has a new car but only one of them has a new car and the other showcase is extremely lame.

So the first one is like, “Oh hey, it’s a Labor Day theme and it’s time to cook out…on your new hibachi!!! And we don’t want to make a mess so our girls are eating on…wicker paper plate holders!!! But what kind of barbecue would it be without…four pounds of goat meat!!! All of these items can be yours if the price is right!”

And Drew goes to the first lady and says, “Do you want to bid or pass?” and already the second lady has this look on her face like “Son of a….” So the first lady passes and goes on to bid on a lovely showcase that includes a new car, a hot tub, an RV, and the spokesmodel Janice. And #2 over here is stuck with what can only be described as a “shitcase.”

And this is the true beauty of what we have come to know as The Price is Right.

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