Of Corn Flakes and Stupid People

Just saw this little gem online. Check it out…but stay tuned all the way to the end, as I have a comment or two….

Illinois-Shaped Corn Flake for Sale
Mar 17, 12:34 AM (ET)

By CARYN ROUSSEAU

CHICAGO (AP) – Sounds a little flaky, but someone has offered more than $50 on eBay for a piece of breakfast cereal that is touted as a lookalike to the state of Illinois.Two sisters listed “The Great Illinois Corn Flake” on the online auction site, promising it has undergone no alterations.

Emily McIntire, a 15-year-old sophomore in high school from Chesapeake, Va., said she was grabbing fistfuls of cereal on her way to class when she found the flake.

“It was almost to my mouth, it didn’t look like Illinois at first because it was held the wrong way,” said McIntire, but then she noticed the resemblance and said, “Oh my goodness, it’s Illinois.”

Her 23-year-old sister, Melissa, said their parents suggested selling it for fun. They’re offering free shipping to Illinois.

“At the moment it’s residing in a fine jewelry box with a lot of cotton wrapped around it to keep it safe,” said Melissa McIntire.

The McIntire sisters say they’ve decided to use the proceeds from the eBay sale to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes.

“We’ve got to replace the one we’ve already sold,” Melissa McIntire said. “We like cereal.”

cornflakes400.jpg

Wow. Just…just wow. This is all kinds of retarded. And by retarded, I mean re-freakin-tarded.

A Corn Flake shaped like Illinois? With a guarantee it hasn’t been altered? At first I was going to be amazed until I realized that every corn flake looks like Illinois, you stupid idiots. This is nothing special. That’s like saying I found a gumball that is shaped like Earth. The planet is round. Gumballs are round. And Illinois is shaped like every Corn Flake ever.

I also enjoy the part of the story where the sisters claim they are going to use the proceeds of their amazing find to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes. Now there’s a wise investment, girls. How else were you going ever going to save up to buy a box of cereal? It’s a good thing you came across this gold mine, because we all know people otherwise have a tricky time figuring out how to pay for things like college, a new house, and Frosted Flakes.

I especially like how the author of the article is able to infuse a sense of “close call” nail-biting suspense into the story as well. This idiot had the corn flake almost in her mouth, when, at the last second, she realized what she was about to do. I picture in my head her sister diving across the table in slow motion while John Woo doves flutter outside the window. The spoon is knocked out of her hand and the precious corn flake is saved from–God forbid–being eaten. Wow. A close call indeed. Because you’re not going to find another Illinois-shaped corn flake until…well…you load up another spoonful of Corn Flakes. Idiots.

And how can you not love their final statement: “We like cereal.” I wonder if they had to loosen the strap on their protective helmet before coming up with this brave proclamation.

It’s stories like this one that make me want to Google their names, find their home address, make the drive down to Virginia, ring the doorbell, and when they answer, smash them in the face with a Swiffer WetJet.

Otherwise, how will they learn?

Update, June 7, 2008: I couldn’t resist. I had to talk about this on stage.

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10 comments

  1. wow. i think that is the most cynical i’ve ever seen you get. all over a cornflake. look eddie… they’re succeeding. making you waste precious time being aggravated over cornflakes. idiot.

  2. Excuse me, but I don’t think you read the article right. First of all, the McIntires happen to be a family full of people with extremely high IQ s who each happen to have an incredible sense of humor, not much is to be said about yours. She was eating it on her way to class. The size was the thing that first caught her attention. Have you seen the size of that thing? Plus, if you put the flake over a picture of Illinois, you will see that there are almost no differences. Next time try not to be so cynical (like Ashlea said). There are plenty of people who enjoy a break from depressing death and destruction with this kind of humor. But apparently there are some out there who hate having a good laugh and would much rather listen to the twisted crap about war and murders. Have a sense of humor. You would be very lucky to know any one from the McIntire family. I know I am.

  3. You’re right. There isn’t much to be said for my sense of humor. Which is probably why your comment made me snicker like I just found a corn flake shaped like Illinois.

  4. nerissa’s comment makes me laugh more than the actual corn flake…niiiiiiiiiiice. Who knew people with IQ’s could eat and walk at the same time…..brilliant!!

  5. I’ve been following this story from the beginning. To be fair to the family I’d like to point out that this article was written when bidding had reached $20, not the $200,000 that it later acheived. Give these guys a break.

  6. Humor is found in the original selling and the criticism of the selling of the “stupid” thing–We are a race of mostly idiots and it demands that some of us have the courage to tell them when they are acting idiotic–Rage on Ed and keep sticking it to the herd that by all means needs “thinning”…

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