There have been times when I have found myself in a public restroom. And there have also been times when I would hear noises in that bathroom, disturbing noises echoing from inside the stall. Noises that no human should ever have to hear. Sometimes it’s a low rumbling and sometimes it sounds like a peacock being beaten to death with a sock full of tootsie pops. Sometimes the person in the stall responsible for the noises makes noises in reaction to the noises as if they are surprised or startled or angry (and maybe they are…perhaps even all three at once).
The part that intrigues me, though, is the part when I’m at the sink washing my hands and the person comes out from inside the stall and looks at me and smiles like he didn’t just shoot rocks and sulfur out of his butt.
And it’s very hard for me to not just start yelling at them, “Are you kidding me?! How can you even show your face?! What’s wrong with you?! You should be ashamed of yourself!! In fact, you should be hiding in that stall right now, waiting to come out until after I leave because you should be ashamed to look me in the eye!! How dare you sit in there and grunt and groan and curse and swear and heave and ho and make me listen to your rectal shenanigans and then come out here and act like I couldn’t hear you and smile at me like your butt isn’t burning?! Unclean!! Unclean!! Don’t touch me!!!! Un-freaking-clean!!!”
But I don’t. I never do anything cool.