The Laws of MySpace: NAMES

I’ve been bouncing around MySpace for some time now and I’ve come across some revelations. Nothing new; you may have noticed them as well. But the difference is I am choosing to blog about them because if you know me, I always need something to gripe about. And since I have an amazing girlfriend, a great job, and life in general is pretty good, I don’t really have anything to gripe about so I have decided to aim my sites at MySpace. That’s right. Biting the hand that feeds me. So what? Rather than bunch my MySpace whinges together in one long-winded blog, I have chosen to start a series based on this phenomenon. Today’s topic: Your MySpace name. It’s come to my attention that you can tell a lot about a person based on their screen name alone. Observe:

“Sexy/Hottie/Glamorous/Cutie”
If a girl has any of the above descriptive words (or anything similar) in her screen name, i.e. GlamorousGrl or SexyMama she will, in all actuality, NOT be any of those things.

Hearts
If the “heart” symbol appears anywhere in the screen name and it’s a girl, she will be 12 years old but desperately wishes she were older. Like 15. If it’s a guy with a heart symbol in the screen name, he will be 44 years old be desperately wishes he were younger. Like 12. And a girl.

4 Words or More
If the screen name is not a name but a complete sentence like “I hate your mother’s cooking” or “Deep into the night steps a wayward fawn” or “Music is my master and I am its slave” then they are an idiot. They probably write unsuccessful poetry and think they’re much deeper than they actually are. They aren’t deep, just annoying.

I Need Attention!
If the screen name is actually a birthday reminder (“It’s My Birthday!” or “4 Days Til My BDay!”) then they don’t have any friends. Do not pity them. Do not wish them a happy birthday. They suck.

Nouns
Most screen names are the person’s name (Bob), a play on their name (Amykins), or a nickname (Daruba). This is fine. Once in a while you’ll get someone, though, who picks a random noun (The Blender) or a name they wish they went by (Studmaster General). These people are almost as bad as the “It’s My Birthday” people. But I won’t be too harsh on them because these people can’t help it. These people are retarded.

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