JAVA! – A Short Story


by Ed Placencia

FRIDAY 5:43pm
Hung out with Todd this afternoon. He dropped me off from work and decided to come in for a quick hang. Had some coffee. He told me his coffeemaker was busted and in a grand gesture of generosity I offered him mine. At first he refused but I insisted. I hardly ever use mine and it’s a shame because it’s one of those nice and nifty silver sleek models. I’m sure it cost a lot but I got it as a gift from my ex-wife’s father so what do I care. I know Todd would put it to good use and otherwise it’s just kind of going to waste. I told Todd he could pick it up later tonight; give me a chance to clean it up for him. He said he’d stop by around 10:00 after his softball game.

FRIDAY 6:15pm
Found an unopened bag of coffee in the back of the cupboard. Figured I’d give it to Todd as an “enjoy your new coffeemaker” gift. I’ve had this brand before. It is, for lack of a better word, amazing. He’ll be hooked.

FRIDAY 6:45pm
Been thinking about that coffee ever since I found it. I would break into it, but it feels kind of cheesy to give him an already-opened bag of coffee. And if I do bust it open for just one or two cups, then that’s just a waste of great coffee. Wish I’d found it a week ago.

FRIDAY 7:20pm
The coffeemaker is all boxed up in its original packaging and the bag of coffee I found is sitting proudly on top of it. Even though it’s never been opened I think I can smell it and it’s driving me nuts. Pretty sure it’s all in my head, though. You can’t really smell an unopened, factory-sealed bag of coffee, can you?

FRIDAY 7:25pm
I put the bag of coffee inside one of those huge Ziploc freezer bags to keep the aroma in. I’m sure it’s just my mind playing tricks on me, but it seems to have helped. I don’t smell the coffee anymore. I wonder if I opened the Ziploc in a few minutes if I’d be able to smell the coffee. That would definitely let me know if it was in my head or not. I’d just open the bag and take a little whiff. At least then I’d know if I was imagining it all. I probably sound like a mental patient right about now, but you’d know what I was talking about if you’d tasted this particular brand. The most amazing I’ve ever had.
I found it when I took a trip to New Orleans a few months ago. It was in a little cafe well off the beaten path. I’d actually stopped in to get directions back to my hotel and as soon as I walked in the front door the aroma of the coffee knocked me off my feet. They offered me a free sample and it was like everything in the world that is well and good in convenient hot beverage form. I ordered one large coffee, then another, and later walked out with six one-pound bags under my arm. I gave one to my brother, one to my dad, one to my in-laws, and kept the other three for myself. I thought I went through them amazingly fast but the fact that one of them escaped my eyes now makes sense. I knew there was no way I would have gone through three bags in two weeks. Two seems to make a little more sense. One bag left and it’s all for my number one pal. Well, I guess enough time has passed. I’m gonna go check it out.

FRIDAY 7:31pm
I shouldn’t have opened the freezer bag. As soon as I slid that little red plastic tab to the right and undid the patented Ziploc seal the scent of the most amazing coffee in the world wafted out and filled the room. I know it’s impossible but for a second I felt as if I could see the aroma, like in those old Pepe LePew cartoons.

FRIDAY 7:39pm
The coffeemaker has been unpacked and I can hear the water percolating from here. As it runs through the coffee grounds, seeps through the filter, and drips into the pot the anticipation is killing me. I almost want to remove the pot and stick my head under there and let it brew straight into my mouth. But it would probably be too hot.

FRIDAY 7:42pm
I’m an idiot. The coffee being too hot wasn’t the main snag in what I now realize was probably my dumbest idea ever. As soon as I removed the coffee pot it flipped a trigger (or more precisely un-flipped it) and the water stopped brewing. Part of a safety precaution taken by the manufacturer to prevent spills, I’m sure. But all it did was stop me from tasting the caffeinated goodness. While my brain was processing all of this it failed to register the fact that the burner the pot sits on stays pretty intensely hot and I seared the crap out of my left ear. But in the long run it’s a small price to pay for tasty coffee.

FRIDAY 7:45pm
Coffee almost done. Ear still hurts.

FRIDAY 7:52pm
Mmmmmmmmmm! I don’t know what happened but somehow the coffee managed to be even better than I remembered. Be right back. Going to get another cup.

FRIDAY 7:54pm
Second cup just as good. Maybe even a little better. Brewing another pot as I write this. I don’t quite get it. It was always my understanding that after coffee beans are ground they lose their flavor. I read an article once that said you should never let coffee grounds go for longer than a week if you want maximum flavor. And that pre-ground stuff like Folgers grocery stores try to pass off as coffee is totally out of the question. But this particular coffee seems to have gotten better with age, like wine. I don’t quite understand it but I’m definitely not complaining. I figure after this next pot I’ll go ahead and give the rest of the coffee to Todd. Sure, it’ll be an open bag of coffee but after he’s — Wait, coffee almost done. Be right back.

FRIDAY 8:16pm
I wonder if it’s possible to brew and drink the rest of this coffee tonight before I have to give up the coffeemaker. Well, I’m sure it’s possible, I just wonder if I could handle that much goodness. What the heck. It’s Friday. Let’s turn this mother out.

FRIDAY 8:25pm
Just finished the second pot and numero three has just started. Went to the bathroom and peed twice in less than ten minutes. My hands are shaking a bit but it’s worth it. I should build something. Bring it on!

FRIDAY 9:06pm
Third pot is finished and the fourth is almost done. Less than an hour before Todd gets here. How long will it take me to brew what’s left? I figure I’ve still got about half the bag remaining. Talk about a race against the clock! This is like that old show “CHiPs!”

FRIDAY 9:12pm
I just timed myself to see how fast I can say my ABCs. I wish I had a stopwatch so I could be more precise. I did it once in under three seconds but I think I forgot “F.” And “R.”

FRIDAY 9:20pm
Burned my tongue. Badly. Trying to drink too fast. Didn’t give a chance to cool down. I’ve single-handedly polished off four pots of coffee in about an hour and a half. I’m going to have to move faster than that if I want to finish it all off before Todd gets here. Anyhow, fourth pot is finished and number five will be here soon.

FRIDAY 9:24pm
Went outside to see if I could run to the end of the block and make it back before the coffee was done. I did it!!

FRIDAY 9:31pm
I poured the fifth pot of coffee out into six separate mugs so I could go ahead and start brewing the next batch. Put the oven on at 400 degrees so I could put the extra coffee in there to keep it warm but by the time I drank them all the oven wasn’t even hot yet! Better go check to make sure I turned off the oven. Dumb oven!

FRIDAY 9:33pm
It takes 16 somersaults to go from the kitchen to my bedroom.

FRIDAY 9:42pm
Pot number six was just as good as numbers one through five. Fifteen minutes before that asshole gets here. I used the pillows from my bedroom and living room to make a giant padded area so I can bellyflop off the couch.

FRIDAY 9:44pm
If I jump high enough I can almost touch the ceiling with my face!

FRIDAY 9:47pm
Peed for two and a half minutes.

FRIDAY 9:52pm
I heard some noise outside so I ran to the window to see what it was but I couldn’t see anything so I ran into the other room but I still couldn’t see anything so I went to the other room but I couldn’t see anything so I went outside and ran around the block two times and the second time around I touched all the cars that were parked along the curb and someone yelled at me and I shook hands with a Mexican (two times!).

FRIDAY 9:54pm

FRIDAY 9:58pm
My phone rang and I could hear it but I couldn’t find it. And I was like “Where are you, phone!” and my phone was like “Doot doodle-oodle doo!” and I was like “Am I getting warmer?” and my phone was like ” Doodle-oot doo-doot!” and I was like “Come on just give me a hint!” and I was running everywhere and tore up my pillow fort trying to find it and went and checked in the oven and it’s a good thing it wasn’t there because it was still on and it kept ringing and I thought if I could match the pitch I could hone in on which direction it was coming from and I was humming and humming and then I was like “Wait, I’m not even humming my ringtone” and I was running all over and I realized I only have on one shoe and I was like “I ran around the block twice with just one shoe on? No wonder my foot hurts!” and then I found my phone and it was in my hand. But by then it wasn’t ringing anymore and I tried to go through my missed calls but I got distracted when the coffeemaker beeped to let me know another pot (I lost count) was done and I started brewing another pot and had to pee again and I was peeing and drinking AT THE SAME TIME! Fluids were going in and out of my body simultaneously and is that even possible? Tried to take a picture with my phone to use as proof but then remembered my phone doesn’t have a camera but I did manage to piss all over the phone in the process. Phone ringing again. Going to try to do a backflip.

FRIDAY 10:07pm
Todd not coming over tonight. Said he’ll pick up the coffeemaker Monday morning. Backflip unsuccessful.

FRIDAY 10:34pm
Finished off the coffee!!! Peed four more times.

FRIDAY 11:13pm
Peed again. Two more times. Went outside to look at the night and ended up chasing a bug. Must have been laughing really hard because my throat is sore. That bug was fast!

FRIDAY 11:54pm
Tried to make a house of cards. Hands wayyyyy to jittery. Cooked pancakes instead but I’m not hungry. What if I made a house of pancakes????

SATURDAY 12:56am
Spent the last hour trying to make a house of pancakes. Stupid Bisquik assholes.

I ran to the mall!!! They were closed.

Dialed 911 to see if they were open. They were. Got scared and hung up. Phone ringing.

Was trying to wear all my ties at once. Someone rang doorbell. Looked out window and it was the cops! Turned out the lights and made sleeping noises to fool them. Handwriting is messy because I am writing in the dark. My ties are heavy!!

Cops were mad!! Got a ticket. Weren’t impressed with my pancake house or my pillow fort. Said it was really hot and found out oven was still on. I tried to illustrate how I chased a bug but they thought I was trying to escape and they chased me down. Peed once. Told me to go to sleep and stop drinking coffee. No way!

Mall still closed. Forgot my wallet anyway. Never found my other shoe.



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