In the end, though, I decided to write this blog simply because the whole situation was too awkward to not write about it.
As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Sarah and I have recently become members of the church we’d been attending. It’s a great church and the people there have been way, way cool. From the first time we went there, people were coming up to us, introducing themselves, and making us feel at home. I’ve been in a few churches before as a guest and unfortunately, this is a pretty rare occurrence. But the people here have been nothing short of really amazing. Needless to say it wasn’t a hard decision when considering becoming a member. (Of course, if you know me, then you know I don’t have to mention the fact that the teaching there is great and the church is really trying to focus on doing what a church should be doing. I wouldn’t be considering membership otherwise.)
The Sunday we became members, we had to speak in front of the congregation to introduce ourselves and give a bit of our background. I of course took this as another opportunity to make jokes in front of a group of people. Sarah was very nervous about having to speak in front of everyone but she was very cute and charming and her regular ol’ irresistible self.
Afterwards people came up to us giving us hugs and welcoming us to the church. And the really weird thing? I could sense they were very genuine about it. It almost threw me off. What’s that say about where we are as a people when it’s hard to believe people being so nice?
It really was a great day and Sarah and I were made to feel so welcomed and appreciated. The only weird part of the day (if you know me, there’s always a weird moment) was in the bathroom after the service. Guys, mostly older dudes, were telling me how they enjoyed what Sarah and I had to say and telling me how glad they were to have new members and how happy they were for us and patting me on the back.
Patting me on the back while I was using the urinal.
If you’ve never received a (literal) pat on the back while receiving a compliment while trying to aim, well then, you’ve never been so confused about what to focus on.
So every day around noon-ish, there’s this guy who wanders around in the courtyard outside my office window and talks on his cell phone. He’s been doing it for some time. He took a few months off during the winter but about a week ago he came back and returns every day like clockwork to talk to Someone.
Who is he? Where does he work? Who is he talking to? Is he talking to the same person every day? These questions have been plaguing me for the last year or so and I decided to do something about it: I set up a video camera and filmed him.
And now I turn to you for the answers. So please, take a look at the footage and then leave your comments with your theories. I suppose one of these days I could just ask him, but this is a lot more fun.
Ok yea, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Sorry about that.
True, I could catch you up on what’s been happening and tell you about the car accident/fender bender Sarah and I were in this past weekend but instead I’m going to tease you about my next blog. It’ll not only feature a mysterious man on a cell phone but will also include video footage of the guy.
So rest assured I haven’t forgotten you, Faithful Blog Reader. Uncle Eddie’ll hook you up.
Sarah and I are about to become members at the church we’ve been attending and last week the Pastor gave us one of those “spiritual gifts” tests so he could find out a little more about us. You answer 100 or so questions and after tallying up the answers you find out if you’re more of an encourager or a teacher or something like that and then give them back to him so he can check out how we scored in each area.
After taking her test and tallying her answers, Sarah was a little disappointed with her score in the area of giving. “What?!” she exclaimed, “I’m a giver! Don’t you think I’m a giver? I wasn’t going to tell you this but yesterday I gave a homeless man a Balance bar.”
“You gave him a Balance bar?”
“Yea,” she said, “It was the same story but a different person. ‘I just got out of jail.’ So I said ‘Here, have a Balance bar.’”
I laughed. “What are you, in a commercial for Balance bars?”
And then in an apparent effort to let the Pastor know she is indeed a giver, on her test Sarah circled her “Giving” score and wrote in “I gave a poor man a Balance bar yesterday.”
Last night Sarah and I watched Alvin and the Chipmunks from Netflix. This afternoon, this was what she said when I told her we got The Bucket List in the mail.
“It’s gotta be better than The Chipmunks. That was retarded. I would have liked it better if they made the chipmunks stoners and Dave was a pimp.”
Not my first reaction, but a true reaction nonetheless.
I’m in Atlantic City for a couple of days and judging by the people wandering the hallways of Harrah’s Casino/Hotel, the New Jersey Hair Gel convention must be in full swing. Other groups of people that appear to be gathering in large numbers are:
The American Collection of Women Over 65 with Dyed Hair Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors
The local chapter of WWBWST: Women Who Wear Blouses With Sparkly Trim
The International Association of Asians in Shiny Yellow Suits
The Elderly Women with Loud Smoky Laughs conglomerate
The Northeastern Fat Men with Goatees, Shell Necklaces, and Lance Armstrong Bracelet Conference
Although something tells me these people gather here every weekend. Just a hunch.
If you order a large soda from Del Taco, you will find yourself partaking of a drink 3/4 the size of your own head.
A group of Asian kids, dressed in black leather complete with chains and spiky Mohawks hanging out at Del Taco at midnight have a somewhat forboding sense about them. Surely they have been out and about all night causing trouble and being just as bad as their menacing exterior projects.
Seeing those same Asian kids dressed in black leather and chains in the Del Taco parking lot at 9:30 in the morning completely negates their rebellious punk look and makes them seem desperate, sad, harmless, and even a bit pathetic.
I am a man of my word. Having once vowed to never drive one, I learned at the car rental company that our car would be a PT Cruiser. We were offered a smaller car that the agent claimed was actually much nicer. I agreed to take the smaller car. I do a good enough job as it is looking like a tool in my every day life. I don’t need help from the PT Cruiser.
If you want to get your money’s worth in the stand-up comedy world, wait until you’re in New York City to go to a comedy club. The prices of a weekday show are about 3 times more expensive in LA and you only get to see about 1/3 of the number of comics.
Every day it’s sunny and 77 degrees. The rest of the world are schmucks.
The speed limit on the highway is 65 M.P.H. The flow of traffic averages 77 M.P.H. The highway drivers are actually much better than I recall. I still hate motorcyclists (if you’re stopped at a red light, why is it OK for them to cut in line and jump in front of everyone else just because they can squeeze between cars? That’s not fair. I hate, hate, HATE them).
On a coast-to-coast flight if you’re taking Southwest you don’t get an in-flight movie and the only food they offer you is peanuts and Wheat Thins. Where’s my barely-recognizable Salisbury steak?
People who don’t have any idea what they’re talking about are very entertaining. At the wax museum a man wrongly identified Jack Black from the recent King Kong remake as Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers. He did, however, get Tom Hanks from Castaway correct. Even though he told his kids the volleyball was named “Spalding” (instead of the actual name “Wilson”).
If you go to the Rocky Cola Cafe in Hermosa Beach at 12:30 on a Sunday afternoon you actually have a good chance of getting a parking space.
The Tonight Show host Jay Leno sells out shows at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach at $30.00 a seat. Ironically, tickets to see The Tonight Show are free.
In-N-Out burgers are just as good as I remember.
The attendants at the Dollar rental car place near the San Diego airport are energetically honest. When asked how he was doing, the young worker replied with a huge smile, “Great! I get to stand out here and look at hot girls all day.” I wished him luck.
Elderly women who order a Bloody Mary on a plane that leaves at 9:30 am are making a statement about themselves that may be unintentional.
If you wear a dress shirt, tie, black pants, and dress shoes to a California wedding, you will feel vastly overdressed. Especially if the groomsmen wear flip flops.
The carpool lane is the coolest thing ever (I actually learned this in 1992 but had forgotten I knew it).
Sarah is a natural boogie boarder.
If you buy a new pair of swim trunks, don’t assume that the string tie feature is part of the apparel. Otherwise when a big ocean wave hits you from behind, you will find yourself struggling to keep them on.
Sometimes the friendliest person you’ll meet is the maintenance guy at a time-share property.
Wireless internet is not free at the airport.
If you forgot to pack beach towels, check under the bathroom sink of your time share. Sometimes they provide them for you so you don’t have to go out and spend $40 to buy your own and then get angry when you find this out after-the-fact.
It costs more for a tank of gas than it does to get your tires rotated, oil changed, and get an emissions test.
Even on-duty policemen like to sneak away to the cliffs of Rancho Palos Verdes and take in the view every once in a while.
Sharks still scare me. Even large paintings of them.
As amazing as it is to be back in California, I wouldn’t want to be there without Sarah.
I don’t like to just make a fool of myself. I prefer to do it over and over again, just to make sure people know I’m an idiot.
Sarah and I are currently in San Diego for a wedding. We are planning on driving up to LA County on Sunday so I can show her some of my old haunts when I lived out here. Some friends of mine, Andrea & Drew, live in San Pedro and I didn’t think to call them to let them know I’d be in the area until we were in the airport in Baltimore.
Idiot! How could I forget them?!
I hopped online at the airport and shot them an email and sent them a text. We’re on our way out there! Prepare for fun and “In & Out” burgers!!
After landing in San Diego, getting our rental car, and finding the nearest In & Out burger place, I gave them a call. “Hey guys!!! We’re here and maybe can see you in a couple of days!! I’m an idiot for not giving you the heads up earlier!”
And then, I felt like an idiot again.
Oh yeah. I forgot. They moved back to Nashville.
Insert awkward conversation here. “Oh yea….um…that’s right, heh heh….well….if we’re ever in Nashville again soon….let’s hook up!”
Wow. This blog is four years old this month. On one hand it almost seems like “forever ago” when I started this because I was in such a different place. Who was that guy in Nashville spending all of his time alone, trying desperately to save a relationship without help from anyone else lest people find out he was in a failing marriage?
Yeah, that guy was me.
I started this blog in a pretty dark time in my life although I think I did a pretty good job at hiding it. But I’ve come to appreciate dark times, and I’m not just saying that because things pretty much rock right now. There’s no way I would appreciate what I have and those around me as much as I do had everything in life been one smooth road.
Sometimes we have to lose everything we have to find out what’s really important. It’s a steep price at the time, but it’s a bargain in the long run.
Along the way God put a couple of guys in my life who set me straight. Guys that would tell me what I needed to hear even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Sometimes we have a tendency to baby our friends and go easy on them; Sometimes what we need is someone to kick our butt and tell us to get on the freakin’ ball. So thanks, Davy. Thanks, Rick. Thanks for being willing to let God use you to set a schmuck like me straight.
I never would have thought, four years ago, I’d be where I am today and this happy about it. It’s not because of anything I did. I have to let God take the credit. He does indeed rock. Even in the hard times.
Hm. I intended this blog to be a “Hey wow, I’ve been writing somewhat consistently for four years now” blog and it turned out to be a reflection on how good God is. Funny how that happens.
Just kidding. I don’t want to spoil anything for you. So I’ll just say Sarah and I both really enjoyed it. Afterwards in the car on the way back to work (yes, that’s right, I took 3 hours off in the middle of my work day to go to the movies. So I work somewhere cool that lets me carry on such shenanigans, sue me) I turned to Sarah and said, “I thought there were only 2 gay parts. Guess what they were.”
She guessed them by saying only two words: “Groundhogs. Vines.” (Settle down, I haven’t given anything away)
Other than that, well done everyone. We had fun!
Wow….We’ve been looking forward to this day for so long. May 22nd has come, I saw Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull….
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friends, humor | Tagged: bathroom, church, congregation, guest, hug, member, membership, pat on the back, public speaking, urinal | 
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Posted by eplacencia
Wow. This blog is four years old this month. On one hand it almost seems like “forever ago” when I started this because I was in such a different place. Who was that guy in Nashville spending all of his time alone, trying desperately to save a relationship without help from anyone else lest people find out he was in a failing marriage?